Author & Poet
MY CHILDREN'S POEMS
Read some of my children's poems on this page. Or skip straight to PEOPLE POEMS, SPACE POEMS, SCHOOL POEMS, SUPERSTITIOUS POEMS and HISTORY POEMS
NEW!
Read some of my poems for GROWN-UPS here
Or go to poems you have written:
Adult Poems (romance, broken hearts & general)
All poems Copyright © Andrea Shavick. If you want to use one for your homework,
a performance or anything else, please go to my CONTACT page and ask!
PEOPLE POEMS
GRANDMA WAS EATEN BY A SHARK!
Grandma was eaten by a shark
Dad, by a killer whale
And my baby brother got slurped up
By a rather hungry sea snail
A cuttlefish cut my mum to bits
An octopus strangled my sister
A jellyfish stung my auntie’s toes
Giving her terrible blisters
A pufferfish poisoned my grandpa
A dogfish ate my cat
And then a catfish ate my dog!
I was very upset about that
So you go for a swim if you like
Just don’t ask me to come too
I’m staying here with my camera
I can’t wait to see what gets you!
AUNTIE BETTY THINKS SHE’S BATGIRL
Auntie Betty pulls her cloak on
And the mask - the one with ears
Almost ready, check the lipstick
Wait until the neighbours cheer.
Through the window. What a leap!
She lands right in the drivers seat.
Off she goes with style and grace
To make our world a better place.
MISS NITS
My teacher is not very nice
Her hair is infested with lice
When my mother complained
The headmaster explained
She was all he could get for the price
THE 3 O’CLOCK NIGHTMARE
At three o’clock the chatter stops
and everybody stares
They can’t believe the sort of clothes
my silly mother wears...
bobble hats and purple tights
spectacles with flashing lights
florescent coats that shine for miles
boots made out of crocodiles
furry tops she thinks are cute
but worst of all - her birthday suit!
At three o’clock the mothers come
all normal, except mine
Already I feel slightly sick
and it’s only half past nine!
UN-STABLE AUNTIE
My Auntie Josephine is mad
She wants to be a horse!
She eats huge plates of oats and hay
With heaps of chocolate sauce
She trots around the dining room
Then gallops up the stairs
She loves to practice jumping
Over lines of kitchen chairs
She’s even filled her bed with straw
I don’t know what she’s doing
Why can’t she be like other cows
And simply stick to mooing?
SPACE POEMS
ADVENT HORIZON
‘Stay on the map,’ my Mum said
She never lets me go far
‘Make sure you stay in this galaxy
Don’t go searching for stars.’
‘Don’t speak to any aliens
Or you won’t be a boy, you’ll be lunch.
Don’t land on any white dwarf suns
I can’t have you burned to a crunch’
‘And NEVER go near a black hole
I want you to stay kiddy-shaped
Not stretched and pulled out like a sausage
As thin as a piece of tape.’
So why didn’t I take any notice?
Why was I sure Mum was wrong?
If only I’d done what my mum said
I wouldn’t be twenty miles long!
SOMETHING HORRIBLE
When a full moon, a starry sky
And a dark night
Come together
Something moves in the garden
Something watches
Something waits
When a full moon, a starry sky
And a dark night
Come together
Don’t go anywhere near the garden
The Something Horrible
Is awake
AUNTIE ETHEL THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL
But she’s got heat-ray eyes.
Oh, that’s just her glasses,
Nothing to worry about.
But she’s got purple teeth.
Oh, that’s just her lipstick,
Nothing to worry about.
But she’s got slimy green skin.
Oh, that’s just her make up,
Nothing to worry about.
But she’s got six antennae
sticking out of her head.
Oh, that’s just her hair-do,
Nothing to worry about.
But she’s got five arms.
Six actually. Now hurry up.
Auntie Ethel will eat us if we’re late
BLACK HOLES
Black holes are very big
Black holes are very black
Black holes can suck you in
But how does anyone know?
If a black hole came my way
I wouldn’t run, I wouldn’t hide
I’d simply chuck my homework in
For how would anyone know?
SCHOOL POEMS
BATGIRL’S DISGRACE
Auntie Betty pulls her cloak on
And the mask - the one with ears
Then she flies out of the classroom
Fighting back a flood of tears
All the teachers in the playground
Wag their fingers at the girl
If only she had done her homework
FIRST, before she saved the world
Need calamity prevention?
Sorry, Batgirl’s in detention
SCHOOL REPORT
Could do better
Isn’t bothered
Doesn’t even try
Disrupts the class
Is always last
Makes other children cry
What have you got to say for yourself?
You’re bad
You’re mad
And you’re rude.
Wow! Thanks Mum.
That’s brilliant.
I told you I’d improve.
MISS NITS
My teacher is not very nice
Her hair is infested with lice
When my mother complained
The headmaster explained
She was all he could get for the price
DUMBO
My teacher’s got very big ears.
When he stomps into class we all cheer.
We continue our clapping
Each time they start flapping
No wonder he’s always in tears
SUPERSTITION POEMS
LUCKY ESCAPE
I walked backwards up the stairs
I left shirts on the backs of chairs
I counted stars in the sky for a week
I slept with wedding cake under my cheek
I spun knives on the kitchen table
Was it true, or merely a fable?
Was it possible to predict
Who I’d marry,
Who I’d pick?
Oh yes it was
It worked all right
As the clock struck twelve
On Midsummer night
For there, in a mirage
Smiling at me
Was the face of my true love
My husband-to-be!
I was delighted
Truly overjoyed
Cos' now I know what he looks like
I’ll know who to avoid!
UNHAPPY ENDING
You can walk under ladders
What’s wrong with that?
You can see any number
Of jet black cats
You can break a million mirrors
And not shed a tear
It’s all just stuff and nonsense
Simply groundless fears
No, you’re wrong
And how do I know that it’s not superstitious fuss?
I know because I’ve just been
Run over by a bus
CAN’T STOP?
Burp on Monday, burp for danger
Burp on Tuesday, burp at a stranger
Burp on Wednesday while you’re in the shower
Burp on Thursday, ten times an hour
Burp on Friday, burp for sorrow
Still burping Sunday?
See the doctor tomorrow.
THINGS I DID FOR LUCK
I crossed my fingers
Crossed my toes
Crossed my eyebrows
Over my nose
I crossed my legs
And then my eyes
I crossed my heart
And hoped to die
But I crossed TOO MUCH
And now I’m stuck
Seems too much crossing
Brings bad luck.
HISTORY POEMS
BOADICEA THE ICENI QUEEN
Boadicea the Iceni queen
Had the reddest hair you’ve ever seen
Her teeth were tough and her legs were lean
And on killing Romans she was keen
Boadicea was feeling glum
So off she went to Londinium
Her teeth were tough but her knees were numb
And those Romans were getting troublesome
Boadicea wailed and cried
When the Romans beat the Britons ten-five
Her teeth were tough but her hands were tied
So she swallowed a horrible poison, and died.
JOAN OF ARC
There was a young lady called Joanie
Who imagined herself on the throney
There was one little hitch
She looked like a witch
So she ended up burnt to the boney
THE MINI ICE AGE
In 1303 Europe suffered disaster
The animals died and so did the pasture
The weather grew colder
The rivers froze over,
So how did anyone stay alive?
The cold and the famine would definitely have killed them
So how did they survive? BY EATING THEIR CHILDREN!
Imagine this happening, right now, to you!
Do you think you'd taste better roasted or stewed?
Parents in 1303 were barbarian
Lucky they're all now vegetarian!
10 WAYS TO ATTACK OR DEFEND A CASTLE
Insist on surrender
Refuse to surrender
Pollute the supply of drinking water
Build the castle on top of a natural spring
Stop anyone taking food inside
Stock up on food
Wait
Hibernate
Lose patience. Swim across the moat
Use the moat as a toilet
Jump out of the moat double-quick
Target the attackers while they’re drying off
Look for weak points in the castle walls
Don’t have any weak points
Get out the battering rams
Boil the oil
Climb up the siege ladders
Pour the oil over the walls
Give up and go home
Celebrate (until the next lot of attackers arrive)
INVASION FORCE
I’m going to Italy in the holidays
I’m going to conquer the Romans
I’m going to turn them all into slaves
And build roads through their back gardens
I’m going to give them a new calendar
A new language, and a new religion too
I’m going to make them join the army for 25 years
And watch Gladiators every Saturday.
Yes, I’m going to Italy in the holidays
I’m going to conquer the Romans.
All poems Copyright © Andrea Shavick. If you want to use one for your homework,
a performance or anything else, please go to my CONTACT page and ask!