HISTORY POEMS BY ANDREA SHAVICK
Do you study history in school? Andrea did (a long time ago!) but here she
really stretches the truth just for fun.... 

JOAN OF ARC

There was a young lady called Joanie
Who imagined herself on the throney
There was one little hitch
She looked like a witch
So she ended up burnt to the boney

In 1303 Europe suffered a disaster
The summer slipped away much faster,
The weather grew colder, rivers froze over,
The harvest was ruined, the animals died.
How did the people stay alive?

The cold and famine would have killed them
But they survived by EATING THEIR CHILDREN

Imagine if this happened to you!
Would you taste better boiled or stewed?
Parents in the Middle Ages were barbarians
Thank God, these days they’re vegetarians

10 WAYS TO ATTACK A CASTLE                 10 WAYS TO DEFEND A CASTLE

1. Insist on surrender.                                 1. Refuse to surrender.
2. Pollute the supply of drinking water.         2. Build the castle on top of a natural spring.
3. Stop anyone taking food inside.                 3. Stock up on food.
4. Wait.                                                         4. Hibernate.
5. Lose patience. Swim across the moat.             5. Use the moat as a toilet.
6. Get out of the moat double quick.              6. Target the attackers while they’re drying 
7. Search for weak points in the castle walls.     7. Don’t have any weak points.
8. Get out the battering rams.                         8. Boil the oil.
9. Climb up the siege ladders.                         9. Pour the oil over the walls.
10. Give up and go home                                    10. Celebrate (until the next
                                                                        lot of attackers arrive)

Caligula was completely mad
His best friend was a horse
He murdered his brother and sister
Then invented tomato sauce………using the blood

Caligula was completely mad
As a god he had himself crowned
But like many other Roman emperors
He ended up face down………..in the mud

INVASION FORCE

I’m going to Italy in the holidays
I’m going to conquer the Romans
I’m going to turn them all into slaves
And build roads through their back gardens
I’m going to give them a new calendar
A new language, and a new religion too
I’m going to make them join the army for 25 years
And watch Gladiators every Saturday.
Yes, I’m going to Italy in the holidays
I’m going to conquer the Romans.

BOADICEA THE ICENI QUEEN

Boadicea the Iceni queen
Had the reddest hair you’ve ever seen
Her teeth were tough and her legs were lean
And on killing Romans she was keen

Boadicea was feeling glum
So off she went to Londinium
Her teeth were tough but her knees were numb
And those Romans were getting troublesome

Boadicea wailed and cried
When the Romans beat the Britons ten-five
Her teeth were tough but her hands were tied
So she swallowed a horrible poison, and died.

SAVED BY THE S..STUTTER

Everyone thought Claudius was a nutter
Just because he had a s..stutter
But really he was very c..clever

You see he just pretended to s..stutter whenever
An emperor was about to be as..assassinated
You see killing a man with a s..stutter was never c..contemplated

That’s the reason Claudius lived s..so long
He bet a s..stutter would s..save his life…….he wasn’t wrong.

JANE’S CLAIM TO FAME

Poor Lady Jane
tried to explain
she didn’t want to reign
she couldn’t take the strain
but still, she was proclaimed
Queen of England. What a shame.

Poor Lady Jane
her only claim to fame
a nine day reign
then a walk in the rain
to the block. What a shame.

A TRUE LIKENESS?

A picture paints a thousand words
But not in Anne of Cleves’s case
Henry fell in love with her portrait
But ran away SCREAMING when he saw her face.

THE SHOW

Roll up, roll up, roll up, roll up
Catherine Howard is getting the chop
Watch the executioner whack
Her pretty neck with his great big axe
Dip your hanky in the blood
See her head roll in the mud
There’s only one more hour to go
So take your places for the show
Roll up, roll up, roll up, roll up
Catherine Howard is getting the chop

I WANT A BATH

I clamber up the chimney quick
And brush the soot down to the hearth
The chimney’s clean, but I am black
I wish they’d let me have a bath.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A VICTORIAN LADY

My servants dust the ornaments
And polish all the silver
But if I find a speck of dust
I’ll lock them in the chiller

My chauffeur drives the motor car
At seven miles per hour
He takes me up to Regent’s Park
To smell the dainty flowers

I meet the ladies by the lake
For daily exercise
We walk our poodles in the park
For idleness we despise

Back home, the maid lays out my clothes
And dresses me for dinner
She laces my corset tightly
To make my waist look thinner

The butler serves the evening meal
And bows with great respect
He knows his place is lowly
And in that he is correct

I then inspect the nursery
My children kiss my cheek
They’re learning about manners
And are not allowed to speak

At 9 o’clock I call the maid
To close the satin curtains
I couldn’t possibly do it myself
Of this I am quite certain

Copyright © Andrea Shavick. All rights reserved. 
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