Funny / Humorous Poems

Submit a funny or amusing poem here. You can write about any subject or experience - up to you...

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

Who's Who
from "Talking Turkeys"
Benjamin Zephaniah

 

I used to think nurses

Were women,
I used to think police
Were men,
I used to think poets
Were boring,
Until I became one of them.

 

 

 

White Comedy
from "Propa Propaganda"

Benjamin Zephaniah

 

I waz whitemailed
By a white witch,
Wid white magic
An white lies,
Branded by a white sheep
I slaved as a whitesmith
Near a white spot
Where I suffered whitewater fever.
Whitelisted as a whiteleg
I waz in de white book
As a master of white art,
It waz like white death.

People called me white jack
Some hailed me as a white wog,
So I joined de white watch
Trained as a white guard
Lived off the white economy.
Caught and beaten by de whiteshirts
I waz condemned to a white mass,
Don't worry,
I shall be writing to de Black House.

 

 

 

Mr S D Butcher, Great Yarmouth, UK
      
      Whilst walking on my lawn one day, an earth worm I did spy.
      He d poked his head up through the ground and was peering at the
      sky.
      I too raised my eyes aloft to see what held his gaze.
      But only saw the drifting clouds against surburban haze
      
      The earth worm did not say a word, it really was quite weird.
      Then all at once, to my surprise, a second worm appeared.
      This one spoke and said to me  My silly human friend
       That earth worm you were looking at, is in fact my other end!

 

Mr S D Butcher, Great Yarmouth, UK
      
      My Nan fell on the Christmas tree,
      And everyone was blaming me!
      But I was nowhere near her when she fell,
      Poor Nan, she squashed the dog as well.
      
      My Grandad laughed as she fell down,
      But then his mirth became a frown,
      For as her feet whizzed passed his ear,
      His glasses landed in his beer.
      
      The dog emerged on tipy toes,
      With tinsel dangling from his nose,
      While the tree looked like a battle scene,
      A slipper where the star had been.
      
      Then finally Nan reappeared,
      Wearing tree lights like a beard!
      What had caused poor Nan to fall?
      Oh dear, it was my new football!

 

 

 

HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY PERSUADE
YOUR BOSS TO GIVE YOU MORE MONEY
Andrea Shavick

Ask, request, demand, suggest, cajole or charm  
Ingratiate, suck up to, flatter, complement or smarm  
Negotiate, debate, discuss, persuade, convince, explain  
Or reason, justify, protest, object, dispute, complain 
Propose, entreat, beseech, beg, plead, appeal, implore 
Harass, go on about it, pester, whinge, whine, nag and bore   
Annoy, insult, reproach, denounce, squeal, scream and shout 
Go quiet, subdued, look worried, fret, brood, tremble, shiver, pout 
Act depressed, downhearted, upset, snivel, sigh  
Go all glum and plaintive, wobble bottom lip and cry
Sniff, sulk, grumble, stare at ceiling, mope, pine, stay in bed  
Get cross, get angry, fume, seethe, fester, agitate, see red  
Provoke, enrage, push, bully, aggravate and goad
Screech, smoke, burn up, ignite, spark, detonate, EXPLODE!

 

And if all that doesn’t work...

Here are two little tricks
That should do it with ease

 

Number one: Smile
Number two: Say please

 

 

 

 

 

THE TRIANGULAR CRUISE
Andrea Shavick, London, UK

 

We went for a cruise round Bermuda
The Captain got ruder and ruder
He threw us into the sea and
forgot us. But in case
you’re wondering
what got us, it
wasn’t the
Triangle,
it was
the...

 

Barracuda!

 

 

 

 

All these poems are copyright and cannot be used without permission. If you wish to use (or publish) one of these poems, please get in touch on the Contact Andrea page and we will contact the original copyright owner on your behalf.

 

 

Don't forget to visit Young Poets, Teenage Poems, and the other categories of poetry from our Poetry by Adults page (Romantic, Broken Heart, Loss / Bereavement, Pets/Animals, War and General).