Gruesome, Nasty and Bloodthirsty Poems

Gruesome, Nasty and Bloodthirsty Poems

Now enjoy some of Andrea's gruesome, yucky, bloodthirsty poems and other horrible stuff in bad taste.

All of these poems go down really well with kids on Andrea's school visits - for some reason children can't get enough of the gruesome and gory. Maybe it's because it makes a pleasant change from the usual school diet of poems about the 'seasons' or 'poems from other cultures'. They're all good performance poems too, although your teachers may not be too impressed!

All poems Copyright © Andrea Shavick. This means that if you want to use a poem for your school project, performance, website etc you'll need permission. Just go to Contact Andrea and send your name, school details and the name of the poem you want (and why). Commercial users / publishers please either get in touch via Contact Andrea page or via Andrea's agent. Thank you!
 
 
MY OLD MUMMY

My mummy’s an ancient Egyptian
Her insides are full of decay
When the weather is hot
She smells such a lot
My friends won’t come over to play

 

GRANDMA WAS EATEN BY A SHARK!

Grandma was eaten by a shark
Dad, by a killer whale
And my baby brother got slurped up
By a rather hungry sea snail

A cuttlefish cut my mum to bits
An octopus strangled my sister
A jellyfish stung my auntie’s toes
Giving her terrible blisters

A pufferfish poisoned my grandpa
A dogfish ate my cat
And then a catfish ate my dog!
I was very upset about that

So you go for a swim if you like
Just don’t ask me to come too
I’m staying here with my camera
I can’t wait to see what gets you!

 

HENRIETTA BAT

Henrietta Bat
Thought she was a cat
She caught a little mouse
And brought it in the house
She nibbled off its head
To make sure it was dead
Then she licked off all the mud
And sucked out all its blood
‘Yum, yum!’ sang Henrietta
‘I’ve never tasted better.
This is the life for me
A mouse a day for tea!’

But Henrietta’s luck
Ran out when she got stuck.
She couldn’t move at all….
The cat-flap was too small
Suddenly she spied
Six shining little eyes
It was the mouse’s mother
His sister, and his brother
Henrietta shrieked
As they nibbled off her feet
She screamed and sobbed and cried
As they nipped out both her eyes

So learn from Henrietta Bat
Never try and be a cat

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THE SAD TALE OF HAMMY THE HAMSTER
(Or How To Fix Very Annoying Neighbours)

We borrowed Next Door’s hamster when they went off to Wapping
We promised to look after it and clear up all its droppings
Until Mum said, ‘I can’t be bothered to go and do the shopping.’
‘Why don’t I just cook Hammy instead? I’m sure he’ll taste quite nice
He’d make a most unusual pud with chocolate sauce and spice
Or I could do him Indian with poppadoms and rice.’
We told Mum she was brilliant and to Hammy we said, ‘Bye’
We chopped his little head off and we baked him in a pie
When Next Door came to get him back, we sharpened up the knives

For why stop at the neighbour’s pets, when you can eat the neighbours?
(It’s fun to sometimes try a really unfamiliar flavour)
And if Next Door annoys you, you’ll be doing yourself a favour.


PS Please don't try this at home – we love hamsters

 

GRANNY GRUESOME

When Grandma came to babysit
She looked a little strange
Her nose had grown much longer
And her ears had really changed
And where her missing teeth had been
Sharp fangs were now arranged.

When Grandma came to babysit
She didn’t seem quite right
Her voice was dark and huffy
And her eyes glowed in the light
‘We’ll have a lovely time,’ she growled
‘You won’t forget tonight.’

When Grandma came to babysit
The room seemed strangely chilled
While Grandma heated up the pot
We couldn’t move - until
She growled, ‘I think I’ve changed my mind
I’d rather have you grilled.’

The shock of what she said
Began to ripple through our veins
We summoned up our strength and ran
Alas, it was in vain
Our hopes were dashed
As Grandma slashed
And all of us were slain.

 

TEATIME

There once was a girl from Dundee
Who ate garden worms for her tea
They wiggled and poked
So much that she choked
And then died in immense agony

 

DANIEL, WHO HOGGED THE COMPUTER,
AND STARVED TO DEATH

Daniel had a new computer
Shiny, and beyond compare
Trouble was, this prize possession
Little Daniel wouldn’t share

Seven sisters and a brother
Couldn’t wait to have a go
But every time they tried to use it
Little Daniel shouted, ‘No!’

But shouting wasn’t good enough
So Daniel levered up the floor
And with the wooden planks he boarded
Up the windows and the door

You should have heard Dan’s brother and sisters
Wail and sob and scream and shout
They couldn’t get in to play computers
But little Daniel couldn’t get out

So firmly had he nailed the floorboards
He was well and truly stuck
And though he screamed and sobbed and shouted
Daniel had run out of luck

‘I wish I hadn’t been so selfish,’
Sighed Daniel, with his dying breath
Then, all alone with his computer
Little Daniel starved to death

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THIS TERM’S TARGET

Because I’ve decided to learn about the invention of poisons for History,
And have agreed to record bottom burps for the percussion project in Music,
At the same time as promising to research the nature of diarrhoea for Biology
And unpleasant gases for Physics…….

And because I’ve said that I'd try a few ancient painting materials (like blood) in Art,
And have sworn to make a bigger effort with my slicing and dicing technique in Cookery,
As well as my under-arm throwing (of severed limbs) in P.E………

And because I’m determined to hide the evidence in far-away places for Geography,
Not to mention my lifelong ambition to set a world record for Running Away in Games

I need one of you lovely pupils to help me………..any volunteers?

 

GRAHAM, WHO WAS ALWAYS LATE ON PURPOSE,
AND LOST HIS HEAD

Graham was a little boy
His mother’s pride, his father’s joy
They thought him absolutely great
Except when he was very late

He did it quite deliberately
But that was a mistake - you’ll see
He started being troublesome
When he was in his mother’s tum

Most babies take just 40 weeks
Before you hear their howls and shrieks
But Graham’s mum had no idea
Her son would make her wait three years!

And it got worse as Graham grew
He upset everyone he knew
By forcing them to wait for hours
While he spent eons in the shower

And promising that he’d be ready
‘As soon as I have found my Teddy.’
His mother cried, his father hissed
About the trains and boats they missed
And Graham’s teacher kicked and punched
When Graham turned up after lunch
But Graham laughed at everyone
He thought that being late was fun

Until one day he was invited
To Buckingham Palace, to be knighted
They asked him to arrive at four
But Graham thought that was a bore
Instead, he turned up without warning
At four o’clock the following morning!

The stars were bright, the moon was high
When Graham finally arrived
The Queen was busy counting sheep
In an attempt to get to sleep
And all of London was in bed
Except the ghost without a head

The headless ghost was pale and gaunt
The Palace was its favourite haunt
It liked to roam around the grounds
Making frightening ooing sounds
It held a sword, all bloody red
And in the other hand, its head

Graham was frozen to the core
He’d never seen a ghost before
He stood there, paralysed with fright
As something sparkled in the night
It was the sword which gleamed and flashed
And Graham’s head fell with a crash

Thus Graham met a grisly fate
His punishment for being late

 

and one more very silly poem:
 

BROTHERLY LOVE

Every day, after school
I play with my brother
I punch him
and he punches me

Afterwards we play
Smearing Blood On The Carpet

and

Who Can Run The Fastest
Before Mum Sees?

 

All poems Copyright © Andrea Shavick. This means that if you want to use a poem for your school project, performance, website etc you'll need permission. Just go to Contact Andrea and send your name, school details and the name of the poem you want (and why).
 
Commercial users / publishers please either get in touch via Contact Andrea page or via Andrea's agent. Thank you!
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